Having been in a wheelchair for 42 years due to a spinal cord injury, I’ve heard just about every insensitive comment that people say to wheelchair users. There have been quite a few that have left me utterly astounded. Therefore, I’ve compiled the most ridiculous things people have said to me and present to you: “10 Things Not to Say to a Wheelchair User.”
#10: “Handicap people are not out past 10pm.”
A gentleman who had just gotten a ticket for parking illegally in a handicap spot told me he thought the ticket was ridiculous because it was after 10:00 pm, and it’s not like anyone with a handicap would be out that late. Of course, I sarcastically replied, “Thank you for letting me know; I did not know there was a curfew for people with disabilities.” It does not matter what time of day it is or if you’ll only be in a handicap spot for a few minutes, these spots are truly needed for those they are intended for. In many cases, there are too few spots—and don’t get me started on those who park over the striped aisles or leave empty shopping carts in the handicap space.
#9: “What would she like?”
Apparently, I have a superpower that allows me to become invisible, because that is exactly how this comment always makes me feel. I hate when I’m out shopping with a friend and the salesperson ignores me and asks my friend, “What size does she need?” Or if I’m out to dinner with my husband and the waitress asks him what I would like. To get my point across, sometimes I’ll ignore the person asking the question and turn to my companion and say, “Please tell them I would like…” Otherwise, I’ll explain that my legs are paralyzed but my mouth works just fine, so feel free to speak to me directly.
#8: “Your husband is an absolute angel!”
When I am out with my husband, he is often applauded by strangers as being a remarkable man or angel for being married to someone in a wheelchair. They assume he must have made huge sacrifices to be in a relationship with someone with a disability. My husband is an amazing man, but not because he chose to marry me. He does not see me as a burden but as a partner. People who don’t know I was injured at age 14 also assume my disability occurred after I was married, because they cannot fathom someone willingly entering into a marriage with someone with a disability. My husband has always seen me as a person first and not my disability.
#7: “Wow, you travel with a lot of lip balm.”
This one still makes me laugh. I use Coloplast’s SpeediCath® Compact female catheters. I like them because they are small and look very discreet—in this case, too discreet. I was going through TSA with the small wheelchair pouch I keep under my chair for all my catheters. When examining my pouch full of catheters, the TSA agent mistook them for lip balm and commented, “Wow, you travel with a lot of lip balm.” He was embarrassed when I told him they were actually catheters, and he promptly ushered me through the screening. I think that was probably the fastest I have ever gotten through TSA.
#6: “You’re too pretty to be in a wheelchair.”
Not really a compliment and–news flash—acquiring a disability does not discriminate; it can happen to anyone. I’ve also had people say, “What a shame for such a pretty girl to be in a wheelchair.” Translation: “No man will ever find you attractive or desirable, you’ll be a virgin for the rest of your life, you’ll never marry, and you’ll be alone.” All of this could not be further from the truth. People with disabilities are worthy of love and being loved.
#5: “You’re such an inspiration.”
Now this all-too-often comment can be flattering or insulting, depending on the context. For example, people telling me my story inspires them to take on a new challenge or live fearlessly? I consider that to be a nice compliment. But it becomes insulting when people come up to me when I am out in public or doing everyday normal things like working out at the gym or grocery shopping, and they stop to say, “You are such an inspiration,” or “I am so proud of you for being out here with everyone else. You’re so brave.” In other words, they are setting the bar so low for what someone with a disability can do that it’s insulting. There is nothing brave or inspiring about grocery shopping…unless you’re brave enough to go to Costco on a Saturday morning. LOL.
#4: “Can I pray over you?”
On many occasions I’ve been out in public and have had people ask if they can pray over me so that God may cure me. This is a tricky one because I believe in the power of prayer, and I don’t want to disrespect someone’s religious beliefs. My standard response is, “I’d be happy to say a prayer with you, but we do not have to ask God to cure me because I am not sick and I am not broken. I just have a disability, and God has already blessed me in more ways than I can count, so instead let’s pray together for someone who is hurting, sick, or feeling lost and in need of God’s presence in their life.”
#3: “I was in a wheelchair for three months, so I completely understand what you’re going through.”
Spending three months in a wheelchair after you broke your leg or had surgery is NOT the same as living life as a quadriplegic. I have listened to countless people tell me how they were temporarily inconvenienced by an accident or injury and equate it to my situation while I smile, nod, and try to look sympathetic. Most people just assume a spinal cord injury means you can’t walk. They don’t realize what else it entails: bladder and bowel management, decreased lung function, spasticity, risk of pressure sores, and the list goes on. So no, you most likely do not understand what I go through on a daily basis.
#2: “My cousin is in a wheelchair too; do you know her?”
It always makes me laugh when someone says they know someone with a disability and assumes I might know them. There are millions of people with a disability living in the United States and there is no membership or annual club meeting where we all gather to get to know one another. Yes, I have many friends who have a disability, but also many who do not. So, your second cousin Sally, who lives four states away? No, I do not know her.
#1: “How do you swim with a wheelchair?”
This question tops the list as the most ridiculous thing someone has ever said to me. It happened when I was introduced to a gentleman and my colleague mentioned to him that I am a 4-time Paralympic medalist in swimming. He then asked, “How is it possible for you to swim with a wheelchair? Isn’t it heavy?” I laughed because at first I thought he was joking, but soon realized he was completely serious and curious. I guess when he hears the word “wheelchair-bound,” he quite literally believes people are permanently attached to a wheelchair. And just to set the record straight, in case anyone is wondering, I do not sleep or shower in my wheelchair either.
Leave a comment about the most ridiculous thing someone has ever said to you or share your story if you can relate to any of the comments on my list.
